What’s really in my heart?
Ok, this post is going to be very different from any other post I have ever written here because I am taking a risk that I have never taken before. I am willing to throw away everything I have ever been taught in my whole life, and I want to be able to explore my life, my spirituality from the ground up. Everything I have ever been taught, I want to put it all on trial. I want to make sure that what I’ve been taught is facts for what I know to be true and not because someone told me.
Truth, I have been questioning my belief system. I believe in the Trinity, and I believe in Jesus but everything else I am questioning. For some of you reading this who have been knowing me for many years maybe saying, “Oh Lord, KeeKee is going crazy.” No that is not true. I just don’t want to continue to play this church role. I want to make sure I am not acting, pretending, and just going along with the motions. I want to live in my belief system, I want to feel my belief system, I want my faith in God to be real to me. Individually made for me.
I have been feeling this way for some time now but have been scared to say how I feel but this is my life, and I want to shed everything I’ve ever been taught and start from the beginning. I feel my soul desperately need quietness for me to hear what is best for me. Quietly discern what is right for me. I am tired of feeling like a free slave, Just existing. So forgive me in advance. I will not be answering my phone as much. I will not be hanging out as much. I will not be at everyone’s beck and call.
I am tired of existing….I want to start living. I have been stuck spiritually for a long time because I am annoyed by all the stupid religious antics and will not allow myself to partake in the fakeness. Also, I feel it is because I have so many people around me, who depend on me to be what they can not be for themselves. I am a mother. A mother is to be a warrior for her family. I can’t be that for my family while tagging along six to seven other people who are not supposed to be here. There is an urge to redefine the role of the household. Not everything is what it seems. I what to know what is real. I feel I am transitioning from darkness into light. I gotta do what is best for me.